Keeping the love alive after having a child can be difficult. Whether you’ve been together for many years or just a short time. It can be hard to find time everyday build up your relationship.
There’s been much to read about whether or not your marriage or your child comes first. Here’s my opinion on it. [Stay tuned for my video at the bottom of this post, unscripted and raw. ]
GETTING TO KNOW ME, LEE || I’m a social gal, married to a social guy. We have been together since 2009 (you do the math), we met just before my graduation from high school. When we met we were inseparable! He moved in and within a year we were moving out together. Much has happened, we’ve stayed at many places. And since we met when he lived on the streets, we even spent a year homeless. Although, it didn’t feel like we were. We traveled the west coast for that year with a group of friends in a van. It was life-changing. It’s where I found myself. But I knew living on the streets wasn’t a “good long-term plan”, especially if we wanted kids someday. Wait… Do I want kids someday? Since we came “home” in 2014, we got married in 2015. We threw the coolest 3 day Pirate Wedding in the woods ever. The best day of my life!
Since we got married, we have prioritized our life together above all other things and people. His happiness is most important to me, and mine to him. Although this is a choice we make every day.
Here are our wedding vows:
Ye are Blood of my Blood and Bone of my Bone
I give ye my Body, that we Two might be One
I give ye my Spirit, ’til our Life shall be Done
You cannon possess me for I belong to Myself
But while we both wish it
I give you that which is mine to give
I wish that you not command me, as I am Free
But I shall serve you in those ways you require Openly
and in this way, the honeycomb will always taste sweeter coming from my hand
I choose you _
This vow is made in love, kept in faith, lived in hope
And made new each and every day of our lives
PS: If your reading this and we have PMed, please feel free to reach out & talk with me. I genuinely care I’m extremely active on Facebook Groups, so I’ll talk with you soon, right? Thanks for being here… Back to the post!
With that being said, we now have a child. So the child now comes first right?
In many ways yes. If she’s hungry, we feed her. If she’s crying we comfort her. If she’s teething we provide her with toys and support. If she’s tired but can’t sleep we help her.
But at the end of the day and the beginning of the next, keeping my partner happy is just as important as keeping the baby happy.
Over the next 18 years (and even longer than that, I know) we have a responsibility to our child, to care for her and her health, and happiness. But through this, we will need each other. Neither of us could do better by ourselves.
We KNOW that we can be a BETTER team for our daughter. Than doing it alone.
We must make the effort to stay on that team. We must prioritize our relationship above our child, for our child’s sake. It’s as much our responsibility to care for each other as it is our equal responsibility to care for the kid.
How do you go about keeping the love alive?
Give hugs and kisses throughout the day. Whenever an opportunity arrived to greet with a hug and a kiss. I don’t care if the baby if the baby’s upset or your in the middle of something. Drop it and greet your partner, respectably. Also, when you depart from each other. I know that my husband will come kiss me before he leaves for work, or any other outing. It’s ritual, habit, whatever you want it. It’s part of keeping the love alive, everyday.
Set aside time every day to spend together. Doing something you both enjoy. Whether it’s watching a movie, talking, going for a walk, whatever. Do not push this time away. It is some of the most important moments to have together, and it will benefit your child in the long run.
Set aside time at least once a month to get out of the house together. Date nights people. It’s just as important as buying diapers or food. It’s vital to your relationship! Can’t afford it? Then pack a picnic yo! Remove the excuses and go have some fun. Yes, without the baby. Starting as soon as baby is 2 months old & the mama is recovered from childbirth. (The first month with your newborn is vital and should be spent bonding and caring for them. After their first month then you should feel inclined to start making a routine that allows these things we’re talking about today).
Speaking of routine, you should definitely start to create one if you haven’t already. Even if your like me, and not really a routine person… Personally, I spent the first month or so making sure to have a bedtime routine and then we followed our baby’s lead throughout the day. I’m a stay at home mom so I didn’t pay attention to the time of day, but I found that within a month, I knew her natural flows well enough to make a routine!
Nowadays (she’s 4 months right now) she loves me for our routine!
And so does my husband! He knows what to do with the baby while I’m busy. He knows when she gets play time on the floor, when she should nap, and when she should go outside (rain or shine). It helps him to be able to help her. And it makes him feel good about what I’ve done for her to keep her happy. And having a happy baby makes him a happy daddy. And when I have a happy baby AND a happy hubby. I’M ONE HAPPY MAMA!!!
So, set up a general daily routine to follow (even if like me, you’ve never had one before) and you’ll find you’ll have a much easier way of life together. It’s not exactly keeping the love alive but it helps to have things in order so that you have the time and the emotional space to enjoy your partner!
Get comfortable with babysitters. Spend time with family and allow them to help you. Allow your child to bond with people other than yourselves. In this way, your child will have better social relationships and you will feel better about spending time with your partner. Without the baby.
It’s still important to be spontaneous. It’s still important to get her flowers or pick up his favorite dessert, just cuz. Just because it’ll still make them feel good! Just like it did before you had a baby. Put on that outfit you KNOW he loves and flirt a little, you’ll be amazed at how quickly the everyday crap fades away (when you let it go).
Don’t take the little moments you have together for granted. Instead of being super down about not getting enough time, be happy for that time together, period. Even if it’s only an hour while the baby is napping on the weekend. Take what time you do have and spend it wisely (together). It would be foolish to spend that hour complaining that an hour isn’t long enough. Because it is. When you have a child, it has to be.
Set a bedtime for the baby that will still allow you some alone time before your own bedtime. Sexual relaxation with your partner is still super important. Not only does it keep the bond between you close and intimate. It allows chemical changes within your body, releasing extra serotonin and oxytocin to flow. Not only does it help relieve the stresses of having a baby. It helps you to balance your happiness throughout the following day.
The most important thing for a healthy relationship is communicating. Don’t stop talking. It may be harder, but you must not forget to share with each other. Have some understanding and patience. Your going to be going through very different things, playing very different roles. So please, talk to your partner with love, respect and a light tone to minimize the stress for each other.
Here’s a video of me talking (not scripted) about Prioritizing Your Partner & Your Baby. Please subscribe to the Youtube Channel for more videos of me and the baby!View our complete video list here (opens in new window)
Keeping the love alive after a baby is not going to be easy, but it shouldn’t be as difficult as you may be choosing to, either. (I believe you must choose to remain in love, here’s how.) You will have to adjust your life to include your child. Be careful not to adjust your life around your baby. I’ve written an entire post about this, so maybe you check that out too as it’s fairly related to what we’re discussing right now.
In a short conclusion, it comes down to these steps:
- Prioritize your relationship
- Spend time together every day
- Go on date nights, alone
- Plan family outings appropriately
- Be thankful for the little moments, and take breaks
- Help each other by following a general routine
- Enjoy sexual relaxation (very often, as in every day or close to it)
These are all super important to keep the love alive after a baby. I hope you have gotten something out of this post.
Here’s my advice ofor those struggling in their relationship.
If you found motivation within this post please share with others!
How are you keeping the love alive? Comment below.