It’s ironic really that I have a blog called “loving life” and even though I tell myself I love my life, that is not enough! Experiencing joy entails that you do things in your everyday life that bring you to that warm, happy feeling of excitement, that is true joy every day! What to join me on my quest to find joy in everyday life?
For the last several months, my husband has been telling me that he “wants me to be happy”! After a while, it was so frustrating to argue with him that I was okay! I was happy! I couldn’t reassure him enough how much I truly loved him, our daughter, and the work I do as a creative blogger. It kept coming up though, over and over. Finally, things started to change as my personal mind began to clear up from my foggy mindset.
He was right.
I wasn’t happy!
What a question…
The last few weeks I have gone through a heavy self-diagnosis realizing my unhappiness caused me to re-evaluate my life and who I am. Why I am who I am now. And if this is who I want to be moving into my future.
There are definitely things about myself that I want to address. Unfortunately, most of these things still hurt very deeply. So I must be careful with myself as I go through this emotional process of forgiving myself. Forgiving myself so that I can allow myself to grow, change, and develop into a better, fuller human being. In these ways, I hope to release myself into a world that has a little more freedom (not too much), but a lot more happiness within.
I also realize that I cannot truly make anyone else happy if I am not happy with myself. If my cup is empty (which it was), then I have nothing to give or pour out to others such as my husband or daughter, friends or family. Firstly, I must admit that people are the best and easiest way to fill your cup. Being a social, friendly person I truly gain so much from human interaction. Apart from those family members that I currently live with, I have been very much introverted since CJ’s birth. Which honestly, is very unlike me. And has caused quite an imbalance within me.
It’s obvious to me then, that I must include other people in our lives together. But who? Another extremely large question truly. Who brings me joy?
What I have been doing is letting anything and everything that I feel emotions for, come to the surface. Fully and completely, so that I can analyze these emotional attachments and find out why they are there. If they are meant to be there. And if they are true feelings, fears, or faults. The process has been extremely emotional, obviously! But so, so healing.
This rise in the emotional experience of my past and my internal voice of reason, has led me to have some extremely difficult conversations. Much of this entanglement is with my husband when you’ve been together for 10 years. You get tangled up together. So thankfully, he has been extremely supportive throughout this emotional process. After all, he initiated this awareness of unhappiness.
Although, it has been uncomfortable for him as well, bringing up issues and resentments that we hold is not fun. Especially against each other (ten years remember). But hashing this out together is what is necessary to move past our issues, and confront them in such a way that brings resolve.
The bottom line is that every one of us has protective barriers that we build within ourselves to protect us from being harmed, hurt, or abused in ways we have experienced before. Which is a very important part of being human, and ultimately survival! I’m not trying to break them all down, but I do want to understand them and reassess them. I want to know why I am protecting myself so that I can clearly avoid those same situations. While still having the personal freedom to explore, make new mistakes, new memories. And keep inside, only what serves to protect me moving forward in my life.
Being in pursuit of joy also means identifying the things that bring me joy! The memories, the people, the places, the activities!
Unfortunately, if we hurt ourselves (or others) too badly, then we might punish ourselves. A natural, protective reaction would be to avoid the fun, because of the trouble. To avoid love because of being hurt. To avoid happiness in fear of failure to achieve happiness in the end. Which in turn, only brings more suffering because you can’t have one without the other. You know that both have to exist. Why do we naturally internalize our pain so much so that is impossible to feel anything more?
I have to move into my future with confidence, assurance, and forgiveness for things that I did to hurt others, myself, and my creative spark. If I don’t find a way to forgive myself, and others for hurting me then I can never truly find happiness within.
So here I am. Hashing it out. Having conversations. Cutting people loose (a part of making room for joy, is getting rid of all the things, peoples, and memories that will not bring you joy anymore).
A final note is this. There are some things that are meant to hurt, that are really there as lines never-to-be-crossed-again. And that is okay. There have been a few people, actions, or situations that I pushed right back down. Knowing they happened, that I was not at fault, but taught me what I needed to know and remember forever. Some lessons, or burdens, you have to carry with you, there is no choice but to.
Everything else, must rise to the surface and be analyzed. So that I can continue on my quest to find joy in everyday life, as I am, moving forward into the reality that I want to live, happy and free with the friends and family that mean the very most to me.
If this post resonated with you, please pin it for later 🙂
Perhaps a Self Care Board like this!
Have you forgiven yourself? Is this something you need to do to?